


The journey to myself

by Konoha-No-SasuNaru (ChileanRach)



Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Lemon, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Destructive Behavior, Self-Sacrifice, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 14:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6961681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChileanRach/pseuds/Konoha-No-SasuNaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things have been stabilized in Uzumaki Naruto's life. But there's that something…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Subconscious

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!!  
> This is my first time ever writing about the man of my dreams, the one I wish was real, Uzumaki Naruto. I know. I'm crazy, right?  
> I had this idea going on for quite a long time and I decided to just jump into it instead of overthinking about it.  
> If you're kind, please leave feedback. Anything will be welcome for a new writer like me.  
> Thank you all!!

Ever since he had gotten to bring Sasuke back to Konoha, Naruto's life was going pretty smoothly. Intense, as always, but smoothly, evenly.  
He was now constantly surrounded by his friends, all the people who now recognized him as their hero. That made Naruto's heart feel warm. Most of the loneliness he used to feel just a couple of years ago had vanished, being replaced by an increasing amount of links he built with practically every one he ever met, not to mention that he now even was friends with Kurama, the Nine Tailed Fox who had made his life so hard not so long ago. He felt happy and he thought he was finally somehow healing from the losses of his beloved ones like Ero Sennin or Neji. He was now recognized by everyone, starting from when he saved Konoha from the Shukaku, then Gaara from Akatsuki, Konoha again fighting all by himself against Pain and then pretty much saving the whole world after fighting Uchiha Madara during the Fourth Shinobi World War.  
However, he wasn't really realizing that there was something going on deep inside him. Ever since the war ended, he kept himself busy with every mission he could get. He would be constantly harassing Tsunade-no-baa-chan so that she would keep him busy. He wasn't conscious about the fact that he only felt good when he wasn't alone, because even when now he had friends, even when Sasuke was back at the village, he still didn't have anyone to get home to, he still didn't get Sasuke to fully accept him, not in his life, nor as the great Shinobi he had become… he simply still had his heart incomplete. And he couldn't fulfill that emptiness as long as he kept being unconscious about it. That was how he started a journey in which he simply didn't allow himself to stay home doing nothing. He would put his life at risk as many times as necessary. He just wasn't going to let his unknown emptiness take over him. What his subconscious didn't know was that even when his mind could maybe (and just maybe…!) keep working on and on, his body might just be a little more fragile that he thought…


	2. Threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Busy, busy, busy, hurt…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :3  
> I'm updating this rather fast, before I lose all inspiration again. I know the chapters are quite short but I'll make up for it updating as fast as I can.  
> Again, please be polite and give me feedback. Your words mean everything to me <3

Naruto was a Chunin now. After his amazing war achievements, it was impossible that he kept being just a Genin. Normally he would've made it to Jonin, but he decided himself that war wasn't an excuse to promote himself just like that. He wanted to fight for it. He wanted to earn it, even though everyone knew he had long ago earned that right. 

Since his journey began, he had been out on missions nonstop. For days… weeks. He had protected all kind of people, since ambulant sellers to the Feudal Lords. Yes, that's right. He was now respected in other countries too, and the Lords would every now and then send requests to Konoha to have Naruto with them. He had also begun learning to spy and infiltrate, and it was really exciting for him because it totally challenged his inability to be quiet. It wasn't like trying to get into Sennin Modo. It was harder, longer and he had to do it all by himself without his companions covering him up. It was amazing, even for himself, all the amount of things he was learning and the deeds he kept achieving. Everyone was proud of him. Their now 17 year old boy who used to cause trouble all over the place was an amazing and handsome young man. Iruka and Kakashi were specially proud of him since Naruto was like a son or a little brother to them both. But of course, everyone was proud but himself. He needed something else. He wanted to be better. All the time better. He started taking every time more life threatening missions and that seemed to be the only way for him to feel he was actually walking at least half a step forward and not taking three backwards.  
Tsunade had started to notice his kind of addiction to danger. She might be a little worried. Shizune-san would be there for her as they both talked about it. How maybe he should take a break… He wouldn't allow that, though. 

Naruto worked with all shinobis in the village without a problem now, but still he felt a lot more comfortable when he was out with his former team seven, Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke or also his last team Sakura, Sai and Yamato. He had the best time when he was around them. Sakura wouldn't punch him anymore. No. He was now admired and amazing at her eyes. He was brave, smart and clever. He didn't just jump up over danger but still was the first one to act all the time. But somehow, now that her attention was a little bit more with him, Naruto's own attention had started traveling a little faraway. After so many years of rejection and being the nearest witness of her love for Sasuke while his heart shattered inside his chest, he now questioned himself about what love could be and he doubted if he could actually feel it someday. He thought his heart was too scarred already. 

After around half a year not stopping his activities, he was forced to take a small break. He got hurt protecting Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chan on their last mission. They had gone after a group of thieves who turned out to be way more dangerous that they seemed. They ambushed them and Naruto couldn't tell them by the time he himself realized about it. A rain of kunais and katanas feel over them and he made it right on time to cover them up along with his Kage Bunshins. But one of the swords crossed his right shoulder from back to front. Despite the wound and the bleeding, he catch all the thieves and took them back behind bars without even letting Sakura cure him first.  
Back in the village, he insisted it was nothing. That Kurama's power was enough to fully heal him but Tsunade, Shizune and Kakashi thought that this was the perfect opportunity for a break. Suddenly a wave of angst took over him as they all walked out of his hospital room, leaving him alone in the darkness, alone with his hyperactive mind… alone with the reason for his emptiness threatening to take over…


	3. Involuntary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this story will be read by someone. I'm putting my heart on it but I'm new and no one knows me.   
> This is my way of paying tribute to my fave boy Uzumaki Naruto :3

If the nights were eternal when he was a kid, then he didn't know what to call this night.

Lying on a hospital bed had never ever been his thing. He hated it and now more than ever. As soon as the door closed behind Tsunade-no-baa-chan and Kakashi-sensei, his mind had started to race as fast as his heart. His breath also accelerated and his chest felt so oppressed. All of this sensations made him crazy. He faced death daily, he would throw himself at anything at all as long as he could protect his friends and comrades but he couldn't spend a night on his own. 

He started taking deep breaths and tried to regain control over his own body and mind. He was trembling and his thoughts lost. He had to get himself together. He got up from his hospital bed and went to look outside the window. In that precise moment, someone in special came landing right inside his brain. Someone who had been always there and would always be. But Naruto had gotten used to have that person always in the back of his mind, since they had been apart for such a long time. It had never happened like this. Suddenly he wondered… had Sasuke asked about him? Had he even known he had got hurt? When those questions came to his mind, another thought was freed from its prison. What did it mean that he was now thinking about Sasuke and not Sakura? What was it with him that he suddenly wanted Sasuke to care for him so badly even when before he had given his life for him without caring that he actually hated him? All the calm he tried so hard to get went to hell as he trembled again. One of his hand directing to his chest to try and somehow relieve the oppression that was forbidding him to breathe and the other hand holding on to the window frame tightly, making the best he could not to fall on his knees. His breaths came short and heavy, uneven and raspy. What the hell was happening to him. As he was shirtless, only with the bandages he had been put on, he clenched his fists around his own arms trying to wake his body up. He ended up tearing all the bandages and as he thought, the wound was now a mere scratch. He couldn't do this. He put his clothes back on and disappeared from that room as soon as possible. 

The first thing he did the next morning was to go directly to Tsunade-no-baa-chan. He HAD to get another mission. He needed to do something to stop his mind from wandering around. When Baa-chan got to her office, Naruto was already waiting for her. 

"Naruto! What… what are you doing here. I was about to go look for you at the hospital!" She shouted surprised and maybe a little bit angry. Had Naruto sneaked out of hospital again?

"I was waiting, Tsunade-no-baa-chan. What do you have for me today?" He asked anxiously. The wait was eating him alive. 

The Hokage looked at him carefully, inspecting several details in a second. Naruto had the same jacket than the day before, it actually still had blood on it. Big bags surrounded his eyes and she could say that he hadn't had any sleep and he was at her office this early with no one having sent her a notification about his hospital release. His feet looked just a bit swollen and with all her experience, she could tell those were the feet of someone who had been walking quite a lot. Definitely, definitely… Naruto had gotten out of hospital and he did it last night. AND! He didn't even go home after leaving!

"Naruto…" she started sounding very composed. "Why on earth did you runaway from hospital again???!!!" She yelled punching the table that was right in front of her. Naruto opened a huge pair of beautiful blue eyes. 

"What? I don't know what you're saying ttebayoo!" He quickly answered scratching the back of his head and smiling stupidly. 

"Don't! Lie to me, Naruto" 

"Baa-chan!! Why are you angry ttebayoo!!??"

"Just answer what I'm asking!!" 

"But… nanda… nanda ttebayoo? Why are you asking me this"

"Narutoooo…" 

"Aaaah Baa-chan. Fine I did. I went out of the hospital because I hate hospital rooms ttebayoo! You know that!" He shouted pouting. 

"You were supposed to have a break, Naruto" 

"I don't need a break. Look at me. I'm perfect!" He said while he jumped around and moved his right arm to show her he was healed. 

"Oh Naruto. You will never listen to me, will you?" Tsunade replied with a rather sad tone. She knew Naruto well enough to know that there was something going on with him but certainly he was healed. It wasn't physical. She knew she was lost. She couldn't retain him because there was no reason. 

"So… what do you have for me?" He enthusiastically asked once again. 

Here, he started another five months with missions nonstop.   
This kept going until a day when he got a very special mission. One that was certainly going to change his life in ways nobody could imagine.

It turned out that after the war and after everything was pretty much fixed, in the Sound Village there were some remaining shinobis who still thought that Orochimaru was dead and still wanted to take revenge for this and do what Orochimaru always wanted to do. These Shinobis had sent a message to Sasuke asking him to be the next Orochimaru. Their next leader. They wanted him to go to the dark road again and use him to keep going with their misdemeanors. 

Naruto was frozen when he heard about this. Fear took over him at first but then he realized, did Sasuke himself let the Hokage know about this? Did he actually refuse to abandon Konoha once again? And if he did, why did he? As much as it hurt Naruto, he knew Sasuke always had an inclination to the dark side of the ninja world. He thought that he would go running if a chance like this came to him. Specially because he was always avoiding him so Naruto thought Sasuke would leave again at the first chance. Had he chosen to stay? Too many questions invaded him and he found himself trembling again. 

"You will be with Kakashi, Yamato and Sai" Tsunade said taking Naruto back to earth. "The mission is for all of you to ambush these shinobis with Sasuke's help, protecting him once you all get there. They have to think Sasuke agreed and there… we get them!" 

Protecting him. His mission was to protect Sasuke. But could he really do that? He spent years battling with him, he could never bring him back. Because now he hadn't done it by himself, as he'd liked to. Sasuke even tried to murder him once. Could he actually protect him? At least Kakashi and Yamato would be there too. Naruto heard the rest of the plan, nodding absentmindedly and he left. He had all morning to get ready since they would reunite after lunchtime. 

He walked blindly towards his house thinking about all the questions that came to him one after the other. Finally, he thought: would Sasuke actually agree with him being one of his protectors? Did he know about it? Had he accepted it? His hands were just starting to tremble for one more time after thinking about the boy he had fought for with all his strength when Sakura appeared in his way. 

"Narutoooo!" She yelled waving at him. 

"Sakura-chan" he softly replied. She looked like she was ready to go on a mission. 

"Good luck Naruto! I can't go with you guys this time. There's another mission and we're short of doctors!!" She quickly explained. 

"Sakura-chan…" he looked down at the ground, oblivious to the fact that he was fully showing his sorrow. 

"Naruto? Daijobuu?"

"Oi, Sakura-chan. I'm fine"

"Then why do you look so sad?"

"I'm not sad ttebayoo" he felt embarrassed. 

"Then what's going on? Is it the mission?" 

"Do you think Sasuke will want me to be there?" The question left his mouth on its own. He blushed. 

"He does, Naruto. He chose his protectors himself. I'm sorry but I'm running late! Take care, Naruto!" She said as she ran away waving at him again. 

"He chose us?" He thought to himself. Those words left him feeling more confused than ever. He finished his way home totally out his own mind and he needed to get ready. He better controlled himself…


End file.
